In the Springtime of love our passions for each other are fired by our desire to be together, to please each other and to feel loved and appreciated. It is a magical time when everything seems to happen effortlessly and we see out partner as a perfect fit to us. We can’t seem to get enough of each other and can’t imagine a time when we won’t want to be in each other’s arms. There is fire in the attraction we feel.
As the relationship progresses into the summer phase, we start to realise that maybe our partner isn’t quite perfect and we have to decide whether to work on the relationship or not. We may feel a bit disappointed and frustrated and not always be able to get the love we need, or give the love our partner needs. We do not always feel as loving as we used to. This can cause frustration and misunderstanding in the relationship.
Too Tired for Loving!
For some (a lot of other) people, sex starts to take a back seat in life as the daily pressures of work and family take precedence. As we acclimatise to living with the one we love, sex may also become a power game in the relationship. We withhold favour when we feel upset or unappreciated, or we use sex as a reward for good behaviour! Because of the pressures of living in today’s society where two incomes become a necessity, we quite often come home exhausted after a bad day and then have to spend more energy on the kids, dinner and ‘homework’, so by the time we get to bed, sleep is the only thing on our minds!
We no longer have the same desire we had at the beginning of the relationship. In the Spring days sex was a big part of the relationship, sharing ourselves and pleasing each other was fun, exciting and rewarding, and important in developing a strong bond. As we get used to each other, the excitement can diminish along with our passion.
Re-kindle the Flames
So how do we re-kindle the flames and start having great sex again! If you are having great sex, how do you keep the fires burning?
Starting with the fact that men and women are different, it is important to understand what starts the fire and what puts it out!
Men and women require different stimulus to create passion. Women need to feel loved and cherished. They need understanding and reassurance of their love. It is difficult for most women to turn sexual feelings on without feeling loved and appreciated. We want to know that our partner really cares about us and how we feel. So if we are feeling overworked and burdened with too much and feel that our partner is not doing their fair share, we will not be as receptive to our partners sexual advances as they might like!
Men are better at separating their emotions from their physical drives. They can have a major argument with their partner one minute and be ready for some fun the next. On the other hand, men also want to feel appreciated and needed. If he feels that whatever he does he is not appreciated or good enough, he will also not be as receptive as the woman in his life would like him to be. He won’t want to take time to pleasure you if you haven’t taken time to appreciate him.
We can easily fall into the trap of blaming each other for not dong enough and then catching the resentment ‘flu where we both end up too sick with each other to want sex. We then start thinking about sex as a weapon in the relationship and don’t want to ‘give in’. This scenario is played out in countless movies and TV series. It is the old cliché that when the man does something ‘wrong’ you can guarantee there will be no sex and probably he will end up sleeping in the spare room or on the couch. Then he has to buy back the favour of his lady with gifts or good deeds. Nowadays, this scenario can quite often happen the other way round!
You have to keep throwing logs on the fire to keep it going. The wrong wood can put the fire out and cleaning out the ashes is never a pleasant job before starting again. Find out what makes your partners’ fire burn brightest and tell them what does it for you. Our needs can change over time, so it is important to re-connect on this. It is often the little things we do for each other that continue to fan the flames, the things we did with pleasure in the beginning of the relationship that seem to have become less important as we get used to each other. Passion has more to do with how we treat each other on a daily basis than almost anything else.
If we continue to love and appreciate each other and share our needs and expectations, we can enter the autumn of our relationship with a strong and mature love that is more accepting and understanding. It is this love that creates the passion to heat the fires of winter.